i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Randomize
