I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
I want to fling myself into the sun
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
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