booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
