Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
