My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
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