How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
