Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
