I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
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