she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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