I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
