Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
