Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Randomize
