i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
3pm strippers are depressing
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Randomize
