Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Randomize