Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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