Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Randomize
