I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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