If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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