You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
