you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
