You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
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