She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Randomize
