I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
tell me about the eggs
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
