You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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