they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
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