Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
that may or may not have been my penis.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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