Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I'm eating all of the evidence.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
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