I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
