Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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