I am puke
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
I only see on penis in this picture but I assume there is another lurking out of sight.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Randomize
