@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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