he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
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