Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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