Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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