I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
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