Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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