i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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