she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
I'm getting married
To pizza
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
Randomize
