I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
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