You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
ok first of all what the fuck
Randomize
