Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
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