So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
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