I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
