No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Randomize
