The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize