I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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