have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
We need to rekindle our bromance
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
