Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Randomize