Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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