I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
