Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
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