I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
Randomize