I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
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