is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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