That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
Randomize
