It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
