I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
