Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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