Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Randomize
