is your mom at the bar?
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
