Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
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