Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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