I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
Randomize
