Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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