Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
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