The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize