We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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