Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
Randomize
