I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Randomize
