I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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